I have always struggled with my weight.
Even as a kid, when I was active as anything, and as a teenager when I played
sports, I was really quite healthy and in good shape. But I was still “bigger”
than a lot of my classmates. Taller, and I really am big boned, so in first
year university, when I was quite “small” for me, I was still 5’8”, 155 lbs,
and wearing a size 12-14.
Over the years I’ve gone up and down. Up to
175 when I got married. Up to just over 200 when I had my first child. Down to
183 and in a size 12 when my second child was a toddler. Back up to over 200 in
2009. Dropped to 190 in 2011 and stayed there for a while. And then I crept up
again, and again, and right now I’m probably the heaviest I’ve ever been.
It’s tough. It’s a constant dialogue in my
head. And it’s not even so much the number on the scale, but how I feel about
myself. Each time I lost the weight, it was because I started eating better and
diligently exercising. I like sports. I like competition, even with myself. I
like feeling strong and capable. I KNOW that the benefits are amazeballs. I
stood taller – physically and mentally.
And yet here I am. And the dialogue in my
head doesn’t say I’m fat. It says that I need to make exercise a priority and I
don’t so therefore I must suck. I’m lazy. I’m unmotivated.
I know how I got here. It’s a blend of
work, stress, exhaustion…not physical exhaustion, but mental and emotional
which I think can be even worse. And at the end of the day it’s hard to get up
the energy to hit the gym. I could work out in the morning, but the morning’s
also my sharpest time mentally, and most productive, and I can’t afford to lose
any of those hours. Some people would call these excuses. For me, it’s just
trying to make it through. The last few years have been really rough, including
a pretty significant period of time where I was depressed on top of the regular
anxiety. Exercise probably would have helped a lot. And would have, if I’d been
able to get out of bed.
And at some point, and I think other
overweight people can relate to this, I got to a place where losing weight and
getting in shape were just overwhelming ideas. We’re not talking ten pounds and
improving our cardio function. We’re talking fifty pounds and OMG why does
everything have to jiggle in waves when I exercise. It just feels so BIG of an undertaking when
we’re already treading water.
And then yesterday I saw this: http://www.penningtons.com/en/i-wont-compromise
. And I loved it, because the women are just so damned confident and
comfortable with themselves.
The thing is, and this is hard to admit,
but there are times when I don’t go to functions or events because I’m so
self-conscious about how I look. About how I’m perceived. And I miss out on
things.
I need to stop that.
I’m making a significant addition to my
career plan in 2017, and to do so I need to stop hiding. I need to be more
comfortable in my own skin. And I do need to take care of myself better (and my
weekly yoga classes aren’t enough, clearly). I have to own the body I’m in, and
appreciate it. After all, if the last few years have been tough, my body’s
bearing the scars and it’s still tickin’. J
Self-acceptance – whether it’s weight, age,
flaws—it’s important. My heroine in Someone To Love, which was out in March,
has that nailed. Self-acceptance and forgiveness is what got her through some
pretty tough times. And I’m getting better at it, but I still have a long way
to go.
One of the toughest events for me each year
is RWA Nationals, because I almost always look at the pictures and feel like
they don’t represent the real me. This year, I’m aiming to go and smile in
every damn one and just own it… scars, rolls, and all. I might even share the
pictures.
