Owning my size – Donna Alward

I have always struggled with my weight. Even as a kid, when I was active as anything, and as a teenager when I played sports, I was really quite healthy and in good shape. But I was still “bigger” than a lot of my classmates. Taller, and I really am big boned, so in first year university, when I was quite “small” for me, I was still 5’8”, 155 lbs, and wearing a size 12-14.

Over the years I’ve gone up and down. Up to 175 when I got married. Up to just over 200 when I had my first child. Down to 183 and in a size 12 when my second child was a toddler. Back up to over 200 in 2009. Dropped to 190 in 2011 and stayed there for a while. And then I crept up again, and again, and right now I’m probably the heaviest I’ve ever been.

It’s tough. It’s a constant dialogue in my head. And it’s not even so much the number on the scale, but how I feel about myself. Each time I lost the weight, it was because I started eating better and diligently exercising. I like sports. I like competition, even with myself. I like feeling strong and capable. I KNOW that the benefits are amazeballs. I stood taller – physically and mentally.

And yet here I am. And the dialogue in my head doesn’t say I’m fat. It says that I need to make exercise a priority and I don’t so therefore I must suck. I’m lazy. I’m unmotivated.

I know how I got here. It’s a blend of work, stress, exhaustion…not physical exhaustion, but mental and emotional which I think can be even worse. And at the end of the day it’s hard to get up the energy to hit the gym. I could work out in the morning, but the morning’s also my sharpest time mentally, and most productive, and I can’t afford to lose any of those hours. Some people would call these excuses. For me, it’s just trying to make it through. The last few years have been really rough, including a pretty significant period of time where I was depressed on top of the regular anxiety. Exercise probably would have helped a lot. And would have, if I’d been able to get out of bed.

And at some point, and I think other overweight people can relate to this, I got to a place where losing weight and getting in shape were just overwhelming ideas. We’re not talking ten pounds and improving our cardio function. We’re talking fifty pounds and OMG why does everything have to jiggle in waves when I exercise.  It just feels so BIG of an undertaking when we’re already treading water.

And then yesterday I saw this: http://www.penningtons.com/en/i-wont-compromise . And I loved it, because the women are just so damned confident and comfortable with themselves.

The thing is, and this is hard to admit, but there are times when I don’t go to functions or events because I’m so self-conscious about how I look. About how I’m perceived. And I miss out on things.

I need to stop that.

I’m making a significant addition to my career plan in 2017, and to do so I need to stop hiding. I need to be more comfortable in my own skin. And I do need to take care of myself better (and my weekly yoga classes aren’t enough, clearly). I have to own the body I’m in, and appreciate it. After all, if the last few years have been tough, my body’s bearing the scars and it’s still tickin’. J

Self-acceptance – whether it’s weight, age, flaws—it’s important. My heroine in Someone To Love, which was out in March, has that nailed. Self-acceptance and forgiveness is what got her through some pretty tough times. And I’m getting better at it, but I still have a long way to go.

One of the toughest events for me each year is RWA Nationals, because I almost always look at the pictures and feel like they don’t represent the real me. This year, I’m aiming to go and smile in every damn one and just own it… scars, rolls, and all. I might even share the pictures.

www.donnaalward.com

Eating the Elephant

It's that time of year when we clear the decks, resolve to do better and get on the self-improvement kick. Or not.

I stopped making New Year resolutions a long time ago. About the time when I realised that they didn't last beyond Twelfth Night.

This year, though -  just after New Year, when I'd scarfed down the last of the chocs, I knew there was one thing I had to do.  Lose some weight. Really. My knees were begging me.

There should be a warning written on every publishing contract. Sign this and, unless you are an exercise bunny with a will of iron when it comes to biscuits, this contract will add 20lb to your weight before you know what happened.

In the new house I have to walk up two flights of stairs to the office and about half way up the second flight last week, my knees said "enough". Loudly. Actually, just lately they've been complaining when I put my feet to the floor in the morning and pain is the one thing that will make me pass on cake.

Since I have absolutely no faith that the scales will have survived the move with any degree of accuracy, I decided not to worry about poundage. I'd let my chatty knees do the counting. They'll keep me in line. The jacket that won't quite button around the middle and the black velvet trousers I've never worn will tell me when I'm making progress.

I'm not doing anything fancy. I've cut out bread, upped the level of protein to carbs (I'm eating a lot of fish) and while I couldn't say I leapt out of bed this morning after just three days the knees took the move without complaint. The stairs are already easier and I've switched from Radio 4 (talk radio) to Radio 2 (pop music radio) and I'm jogging around the kitchen while I work to those oldies that were the soundtrack of my youth.

I've lost maybe two pounds (the first few days it always falls off) but the difference is already noticeable to me if no one else.

Exercise is the next step. I keep threatening to dig out the swimsuit and get to the pool. It's attached to the high school so they get first dibs on times and I have to figure out when I can fit it in.

I've made a start. That's the main thing. It feels a bit daunting at the moment, but losing weight is like writing a book. You know how it goes. How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.

Happy New Year!

Reaching Rock Bottom and Climbing Up Again

It happened 23 days ago. I had had pasta and cake. My head swam and I knew I had to do something or I would regain all the weight I'd lost over the last year. I had done well in a way but I was plateauing and my waist was starting expand again. This was despite doing 50 minutes of  exercising per day, following along to a dvd.  Rock bottom had been reached, one of those deciding moments when you know that your life can go two ways.
 It was time I decided to bite the bullet and try The Tracy Anderson Method.

The Tracy Anderson Method was developed by Gwyneth Paltrow's trainer who claims that she can transform any woman if she is willing to sweat. It involves 2 hours of exercise a day including dance cardio and a restrictive diet but one which has high marks for vegetables and fruit. I'd looked at it before and decided it was not for me. Despite enjoying dancing at the Harlequin party, I am not a big fan of dance cardio. The humiliation of always being the one out of step in various dance classes lingers. I was very much you can ask me to do anything but don't ask me to do dance cardio in pursuit of losing weight.
That day I decided to face my fears..for 30 days. Even I could do dance cardio for 30 days.
I sent off for the book The Tracy Anderson Method 30 Day Boot Camp from Amazon. It arrived the next day, along with its dvd. One of the first things I read was if you start this programme tomorrow, in a month's time you will have a changed body. And then the only fairy dust I can give you is sweat. Sweat, I decided I could give...even if I had to do dance cardio. Besides the only creatures I might frighten were the dogs.
I sweated in bucket loads. My daughter commented several times that I looked like I had a shower with my clothes on. I ignored her. Despite my two left feet, I have been mastering the dance cardio and can now do 60 minutes vigorous exercise, plus all the mat work (about an 60 minutes). The food while not plentiful has filled me up and I have rediscovered how much I do enjoy salads and fresh fruit. The emphasis is on fresh, easy to prepare foods. On the whole the recipes are very good. I have become a confirmed herbal tea drinker.
Best of all I have lost 18 lbs and am now just within the healthy BMI range (because of this I am foregoing the 5 day detox at the end -- the thought of pureed corn and sweet potato makes my stomach churn). I have also had lost something like 19 inches, including 4 inches from each thigh.  The net result is that I can fit into clothes I wore in my early twenties before I had children. Equally my lymph oedema in my left arm which nothing has touched is severely reduced. My energy levels have really climbed and I feel so much more awake.   And I have gone from a skeptic about Tracy Anderson to a whole hearted believer. The woman can work miracles.
I had had low expectations of the experience and have been utterly astonished by the success. Things like this don't happen to me. I had been struggling for ages to lose weight and had despaired about getting down to a healthy BMI. And while I had lost a significant bit last year, nothing much had happened this year.  I stubbornly stayed around 170. I tried to tell myself that it was because I discovered various exercise dvds like Jillian Micheals and had really increased my muscles. as certainly my inches went down. I had sort of thought that I was destined to be larger than I wanted to be. Middle age spread and low metabolism. Now I know that was not the case.
In the short term, I am going to finish the boot camp. I have about 15 lbs more that I want to lose. In the longer term, I am waiting for her metamorphosis (4 dvd 90 day programme of exercise)  to arrive so I can go on to that programme.  She has found a way to target the accessory muscles, rather than the large muscles groups and pulls things in. And dance cardio is hard work but fun.(Colour me astonished here) She claims that if you do the exercise, you can keep your figure. She has done it for over 13 years.
So if anyone needs to shape up quickly, you could investigate Tracy Anderson and her Method. Jillian Michaels is also good but as I said you tend to lose inches rather than the weight.  I know Donna Alward has had great success with PX 90. Not every trainer is right for every person, so it is worth taking the time to investigate. And sometimes, facing your fear like I did with dance cardio can really reap rewards...

Michelle Styles writes warm, witty and intimate historical romance for Harlequin. Her latest book To Marry A Matchmaker was out in the UK in July (remains available as an e-book) and is currently out in Australia and New Zealand. You can read more about Michelle's books on her website at www.michellestyles.co.uk