Thursday, January 27, 2011
Did You See That: Gym Stories
Okay, so I'm using this forum to not write about my latest novel (Being With Him, re-release), but to rant about my fellow gym members. I know that many of you will relate, so here is my fake letter, rant, my catharis. After writing it, I felt much better, enough so that I will venture into the gym tomorrow morning at the crack of the crack!
Feel free to copy and send yourself (though I do not recommend it).
Dear Members of my Gym—
You really don’t know who I am because you never pay attention. No, you, yes you—woman with the headphones on—never bother to look to see who might be in close proximity to you. Why bother? You are in your own little world, bouncing and jiggling away to some music I would never listen to. Except I have to. Yes, I’m in the sauna with you, sitting on the same bench. You are stretching your foot (ugly toenail polish) and I feel as though I have been transported to a concert populated by 14-year-olds. Don’t you realize I’m trying to relax from my long day of student complaints? Can’t you tell that I have needs too? I want silence, the crackle of the hot rocks on the heater, the lull and murmur of voices far, far away.
I’m going to walk up to you and yank those earphones off your little head and pull your slick pod thing off your shirt and through them into the heater. Of course, that will further ruin my time in the sauna. But I don’t care. Do you understand? Do you hear me? No, of course not. Your music is on too loud.
And you, yes you, you grunting hulk of a sweat beast next to me. Get a towel. Put it on your bicycle seat. Wrap another around the handles. One on your head. Lay one on each leg because you aren’t crying me a river, you are sweating me one.
Don’t leave. I have something to say to you as well, Mr. I-Take-Too-Many-Steroids. Drop that 125 pound weight one more flipping time, and I’m going to fling myself toward you, wrap my bones around your shin and ride you like a jockey until you leave the weight room. Do you think we all look at you and think, My god, what a he-man! What a strong, amazing human being set right here for our pleasure.
The answer is no. No one thinks that. We think you look like a triangle, a triangle with a head. Your legs are so skinny, I could use them to roast marshmallows. So put the 125s down and head over to the leg press. You won’t be flipping around a lot of weight because it’s all in your shoulders, so we won’t have to worry about the noise. Don’t come back until you develop some balance.
If I could get rid of the headphones, the sweat flickerers, the noisy weight droppers, I might be able to focus on my own work out. Yes, I am the one staring at you instead of working my lats, but it’s your fault, gym members. Shape up so I can, for god’s sake.
Posted by Jessica Barksdale Inclan at 1:00 AM