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Thursday, May 28, 2015

Lori Wilde: The Measure of Success


Once upon a time I believed that in order to be a successful author I had to work eighty hours a week. I thought I had to sacrifice my free time, my health, and my relationships to make it big.

THE GOAL became everything. I learned how to function on four hours of sleep. I gave up reading for pleasure. I surrendered hobbies. I didn’t take vacations. I worked and worked and worked and worked.

I would look around at other writers who did not share my work ethic, and feel sorry for them because they didn’t have what it took to make it big.

And then I hit the New York Times bestseller list.

Friends and family were calling, wanting to take me out to celebrate. I got flowers and cards and presents. I had finally achieved the pinnacle of writerly success.

And it was the loneliest time of my life.

Because nothing had changed.

I’d spent twenty years chasing the dream, but I was exhausted, in physical pain, worried, and anxious. I could not celebrate. I was on deadline. There were revisions due on another book, line edits on a third book, galleys on a fourth. The dishes were stacked in the sink and the laundry hamper was full. I needed a haircut, a manicure and a massage but didn’t have the time.

And the money hadn’t come in yet. My bank account was shockingly low, even as family and friends assumed I was rolling in dough.

I was a hamster on a wheel and there was no way to get off. I had to keep running and running and running.

And then I crashed and burned.

Big time.

No one besides the people closest to me knew what I was going through. From the outside it looked like I had reached the zenith of success. But my entire body hurt. I was an emotional wreck. I had a major new contract and six books due in eighteen months, and no way to live up to my obligations.

I had to do something to get my life back in balance or my health—and my career—was done for.

I went to see a doctor, and he gave me the greatest blessing. He took out a prescription pad and in big letters wrote: YOGA.



That man literally saved my life.

I’ve been doing yoga for eighteen months now, and I’ve done a complete one-eighty. Physically, mentally and emotionally, I’m stronger than I’ve ever been. I have hobbies. I’ve reconnected with friends. I took a yoga vacation to Costa Rica. I’m happy, healthy and invigorated.

And the writing?

I stopped thinking about bestseller lists. I stopped obsessing over reviews. I stopped working ridiculously long hours. Occasionally, I go out to lunch with friends and I make time for hobbies and to read good books. I’m no longer desperate and grasping.

Will I keep hitting the bestseller lists? I don’t know. At this point, I don’t care. The love of writing is back. I have a life. A real life I love. Not one chained to the computer. And all those authors that I used to pity because they didn’t have my work ethic? I realize now they were the ones who had it right.

True success doesn’t come from accolades, and buckets of money. It comes from finding that calm place within us. It comes from being healthy and strong. It comes from being kind and spending time with loved ones. It comes from being grateful for what you have. It comes from living in the moment.

Because that’s all we have. Right now.

My only regret is that it took me so long to understand this lesson. But at least I finally got there.

What about you? Do you feel like a hamster on a wheel that you can’t get off of? Do you have some limiting beliefs that are keeping you from leading the life you deserve? Are you sacrificing yourself for a goal that might leave you feeling empty and lonely? What yardstick are you using to measure success?
           
           

            

80 comments:

Danica Favorite said...

What a great post, Lori! I'm so glad you are taking care of yourself now!

cathyann40 said...

I enjoyed reading this. Keep taking care of yourself.

ljdowns said...

So happy you've found the key to balancing everything. I haven't, yet but I'm going to keep working on it. I love what you do!! Thanks!!!

Unknown said...

Congrats on finding the balance of work and leisure that works for you.

Rita said...

Tears are rollin down my cheeks. Many hugs.
A couple of years back I let a doc talk me into taking meds for depression and allergies. I was a zombie for six months and am only now over the multiple med side effects. All I remember of that time is I was in pain. Physically and mentally. Physically things are finally looking better. Mentally I took a huge step back in my success thinking. Honestly, I’m too old to care what others think. I want to happy with myself. I REALLY enjoy writing again. I have so many stories buzzing in my head its crazy. For six months I’ve been writing two completely different books. I know! But, I love them so much I can’t put either one aside.
Soooo glad you’re happy. You are a very special lady to me. More hugs.

lori wilde said...

Thanks Danica. I had to completely change my way of thinking. It was very scary at first. I didn't know what would happen to my career.

lori wilde said...

Thank you, Cathyann. It's easy to get caught up in rush, but learn how to calm down and quiet my mind has been such a gift!

lori wilde said...

ljdowns, do I need to get out a prescription pad and write YOGA for you?

lori wilde said...

Lori, I found so much more than that. Daily yoga has helped me mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually.

lori wilde said...

Thank you so much for sharing, Rita. There are so many people at my yoga studio who had chronic pain and were able to get off medication. You're never too old to give yoga a try. You can even do it if you're in a wheelchair. It's amazing.

Landslide said...

Wow, that's an inspiring story Lori. I used to do Yoga and I never felt better. Sadly the gym I went to stopped having Yoga and I stopped doing it... But I think I'll try doing it at home now.

lori wilde said...

Angela, check to see if they have a yoga studio in your area. I didn't think there was one in my town either. I heard about my yoga studio through word of mouth. It's been amazing. Everyone tells me how much younger and happier I look. If you can't do that, grab a video.

Unknown said...

Lori, you have written a great post. I am thankful and pleased that you found yourself and your love of writing again. Yoga is great for the body, mind and spirit and I wish I could do it. My rut is my disability. It limits me in what I can do physically. It has torn from me the ability to do all the things I love, or so I thought, but have discovered I must simply go about some of those things from a different direction. It has been a slow process and there are days, like yesterday, where I am incapable of walking, or moving much at all, so I have learned to ask for and accept help. As a caregiver, not a receiver, this has been difficult to accept. All that being said, as a caregiver (family nurse practitioner) and you as a nurse, we both know that without our mental and physical health, we cannot fulfill our dreams, or even make it through our daily life. Lori, I am proud of you for finally taking care of yourself and finding your way to better health and happiness. Your writing career will continue to succeed because you will succeed.

lori wilde said...

Dianne,

You have my empathies! Gentle hugs. If you can't physically do the yoga poses, you can still do the breathing and meditation. It's AMAZING. One of my instructors was in a car accident that badly damaged his spine. He was bed fast for almost four years. He would lie in bed and imagine himself doing yoga. He did the breathing and the meditation. Now, five years after he started walking again, he leads meditation/breathwork classes at my yoga studio. Don't give up hope. You can heal!

lori wilde said...

I'm off to try a new-to-me yoga class today--yin yoga. Will report back upon my return.

Tinalou 70 said...

Such a great testimony to what you shouldn't focus on in order to truly be happy and successful. I'm so loving the fact that your doctor prescribed Yoga and not some pill. He deserves a big kiss for that alone :).

Doing what you love for you and not because of some bestseller's list or accolades of thousands of people who don't know you is the way to go because it's all crap anyway if you're not happy.

Continued success and happiness to you Lori!

cupcake58 said...

You wrote an amazing post that really pertains to all of us at many times in our lives. We may not all be writers but even when it looks like everything is going perfect for us, no one knows our pains, stresses or worries. It's wonderful to know you found a way to live your life better and to be a better you. We all could use that. As women, we all seem to take on everyone's problems at the detriment to us. Sometimes we need to do for us and think of ourselves first.

Sue Peace said...

It was great to read this, Lori. I am so glad you are feeling better! You are looking fabulous! Last year was a tough one for my family. I work part time but picked up a ton of extra hours, not really because we needed me to, but I felt like I should. But my daughter has some issues, and not just for her but for the whole family it is better when I am at home (I work 12 hour night shifts so when I wasn't working I was sleeping), so this year I vowed I'd cut back on the hours I'm working. Not just for them but for me too, my job can be very stressful and I was beginning to hate it! It's really good. I'm home much more and also am taking better care of me, exercising, lost enough weight to have to purchase a whole new wardrobe, lol! We are all much happier when I'm at home, even if it means a little less money, living in our old house, and driving older basic cars. I will never regret not working more, but I would always regret working too much and taking the time away from my family.

Congratulations on your successes, Lori! And just to let you know, my daughter (she is 14) does yoga and it's been really good for her (and she likes it)!

Mad Hildebrandt said...

Congratulations on your new book release, Lori.Is a real achievement, and your fans appreciate your hard work. Yes, you need to take time for yourself to stay healthy. It's a great accomplishment that you've found the right balance in yourself.

Kathleen O said...

Finding inner peace is the winning the lottery.. I have yet to find it yet.. I suffer from a few afflictions. Knowing that one is not alone in their suffering really helps. My favourite saying is" You do not know a person, until you have walked a mile in their shoes". Talking about our problems helps.. I am loosing one of my sounding boards, my long time doctor is retiring. He has helped me in so many ways.
Lori I applauded you for tell us, your loyal fans about your success with finding your inner peace.
Congrats on all your accolades in this life.

Sandy Kenny said...

Thank you so much for this amazing post. I am in my 40's and am painfully aware that I am still not where I want to be in life, and with all the stupid extraneous crap that family and "friends" constantly throw at me on a daily basis, I have to decide every day if I will let them "get to" me. I do a lot of morning meditation--a mental "detox", if you will, because that's when my hubby likes to be a butt-head and say stupid things to me. I need to do a mental detox every day or else I will go crazy! So glad you were able to do that as well. We have to take care of ourselves because no one else will.

Kathleen Bittner Roth said...

Kudos on your honesty! I went through the same thing after I founded a wellbeing center that took off like a rocket. I worked 6 days a week, 12-14 hour days, had a daytimer that was packed full and books solid three months out. My wake-up call was getting hit with chronic fatigue and having to take a year off work. Now, I write stories and I am careful to pace myself and life is good.

LS said...

I guess when you put it that way, I probably am....I have been out of work since March 9th when I fell at work, coming out of a patients house and broke my ankle. I am having a difficult time with the healing process...I am not a youngster...but not old either. I am extremely frustrated!!! I need some positive strength...and yoga may be what I need, I am seriously thinking about it!

Tracey Hill said...

I have had a similar struggle, I worked as a preschool teacher for 13 years. The last few years long 10 hour days, one day after locking myself in the bathroom to read a book and hide from my kids, I thought what am I doing, I was giving so much of myself to my kiddos at work that I was short changing my children at home. I prayed that I would be in a position to spend more quality time with my kids. I got fired, my chemically dependent Mother moved in and my world was turned upside down. As I looked up to the heavens I said very funny. Two years later I have a better relationship with my Mother(now that she has moved out ��) I have great relationships with my 3 children and my husband. I may not be where I would like to be, some days are struggles, but the difference now is I have made up in my mind to enjoy the journey and grow and become a better me!!! I still work with children, but they are older and it is so rewarding as well as working as my Mom's PCA and as a homemaker for seniors. I get to share all the good parts of myself in a different way.

Madm007 said...

Lori, I'm really truly happy for you. Your story is very inspiring and it sounds like you found a life balance. I'm working on it. I've been at the top of the mountain and down at the bottom(at least I hope it was). I quit smoking 2 years ago, go me. I am now working on the weight gain, the depression is a little tougher, but I will get there. I will try Yoga at home, I couldn't make myself go to the studio lol. I did call them though, after I had talked to you. You deserve the best, Lori. Love your books and you.

Jamie said...

Welcome back to the real world. Glad you're feeling better and taking some time out to do what's important in life. Fun times are what you'll reflect back on as you get older. Not the work.

Unknown said...

what a fabulous post. Thanks for sharing.

Anju said...

I think we as women are all guilty of taking care of and worrying about everyone and everything around us and we forget to take care of ourselves. Thanks for sharing. :)

Rhonda J G said...

Thanks for sharing!

Steff said...

I always tell my friends and family to "use your oxygen." And by that I'm referring to the safety speech the flight attendants say before the jet takes off - put your oxygen mask on first *and then* help the people next to you. If you don't take care of yourself first - physically and mentally - then you won't be much help to others around you and could harm yourself in the process. And it's a reminder too to just take a moment out of your busy day and just breath. It's easier said then done sometimes. lol

Thank you for sharing your journey with us. We love your stories - but not at the expense of your health! Remember, "use your oxygen!"

Kim Trask said...

I really wish I could find the balance that you have found. I feel like that hamster on the wheel now. I am a special ed teacher as well as the yearbook advisor and honor society advisor. I find it hard to balance these things with my hubby and six year old daughter so they get my time too!

Judie Bouldry said...

Wow, reading your words felt like you were reading my mind. I have a new career that I've dreamed of for a very long time and absolutely love and I'm giving it everything I have. House is a mess, laundry running behind, no going out with friends.... yeah, it sounds so familiar. I have always thought of myself as too hyper to do yoga, I sit still for anything and I'm twitching and mentally saying "hurry up". So yeah, I'm going to look into organizing my time to make room for things that refresh, thank you for sharing your thoughts. Judie

Amary Chapman said...

I'm so glad you found your balance with yogs...some people never get off the wheel. I ran til I crashed and burned about ten years ago. I have found peace with my life and pray others do too. Friends who are there only when you're perceived as a success..... I've read and loved your work for a long time, and pray first for your continued contentment and secondly for your success to be enough and last long enough that you never have money woorries. Just finished Rules Of The Game, and I don't doubt a moment it will be a HUGE seller!

Unknown said...

What an inspiring story! I would sadly be one of the people thinking you had the world on a string when you "hit it big." It's a reminder to all of us that no matter how someone appears, there could be deep currents beneath the surface that are not crystal-clear and blue. As a reader of your books (love them!) I am so glad you found balance and are avoiding burnout. I am looking forward to your next book! Namaste!

Unknown said...

What a great story. Sometimes we have to find a happy medium and fun is so important. I am glad you are feeling better.

Jenafyre said...

What an inspiration. I too have feel like a hamster in a wheel, work, home, pressure, stress, family conflict, home life conflict. It all built up and exibited itself in headaches, high blood pressure and fatigue. It was after I made decisions to change the things I could, get out of the conflict and think about me that I finally felt at peace. I started eating right, I got to the gym 3 days a week, I reconnected with old friends and realized that there is life out there. Thank you for sharing your story. I have read all of your books, I love your books. You need to take care of you first before you can worry about anything else. Everything else will fall into place.

Amanda said...

What a timely post! My husband had major surgery a week ago, my two adult kids are facing job and health issues, my car is in the shop for the next three weeks for hail and parking-lot-hit-and-run damage repairs, yesterday I had a ""posterior vitreous detachment (PVD)" in my left eye with some blood floaters and flashers, and today my 86-year-old mother fell out of bed and I need to drive 150 miles tomorrow or Saturday to check out assisted living for her and my 86-year-old dad. I need some de-stressers! I have some physical limitations that make the yoga poses problematic but I will look for some breathwork/meditation classes.

I've also found re-examining those "have-tos" to see if they really are (or if you just think they are), and more exercising in general (gentle stuff, walks and bike rides and swims) can also help. Thanks for sharing, Lori!

ptclayton said...

Wow that was so nice of you to share this with us. As you read these stories we all hit that rock bottom all going diff ways just to hit money and friends etc and it just isn't worth it. Thank you for this it really hit me in the heart!

TinaD said...

I am glad you found your balance. I am doing better finding mine, because I to, tend to be like the hamster on the wheel. Sometimes I set goals for myself that are beyond reasonable. Maybe I will try Yoga too. Lol.

Julia said...

If you don't take care of yourself, who will write all these good books. I used to be so stressed from my job. At one point I thought that I was having a heart attack. I spent a night in the hospital getting tested only to find out that is was stress. I was taking pills and was generally unhappy. I got off the wheel and moved away from California. I am so much more relaxed. I still have stresses, but they don't bother me as much now. I just started doing Yoga.

Unknown said...

Great story! So glad you're doing better!

lori wilde said...

Julia,

Stress can be a killer! You take care of yourself too!

Pamela Johnson said...

I am glad you have found some balance in your life, Lori, work is a four letter word without balance to keep it enjoyable. I did yoga for many years and my niece remembers going with me when she was about 4 (she is now over 40)and loved it. Kept me young and I am sure will add to your writing. Keep up the balance Lori it shows in your work.

lori wilde said...

Tina,

Absolutely! He diagnosed me with fibromylaigia and the pain disappeared after a few months on yoga and hasn't come back.

lori wilde said...

Cupcake, so true. We get so caught up in trying to achieve something we neglect ourselves.

lori wilde said...

Sue,

It's so hard to find balance. Yoga has helped me achieve it.

lori wilde said...

Mad,

Burn out is a creativity killer.

lori wilde said...

Kathleen O

Have you tried yoga or breath work or meditation? They've changed my life.

lori wilde said...

Sandra,

My yoga instructor, also named Sandra, says when you start feeling the mental/emotional pressure don't try to think through the problem, go right to the tool. I.e. meditation/yoga/breath work.

lori wilde said...

Kathleen B--Absolutely. And I after 18 months of yoga/meditation/mindful practice I've come to realize just how jacked up I was and didn't know it. Glad to hear you're back and taking care of yourself too!

lori wilde said...

LS--do it! Look for restorative yoga classes. You'll love it. I promise.

dstoutholcomb said...

Congratulations on your life changes!

Denise

lori wilde said...

Tracey,

Taking care of yourself really does work to make relationships better!

Carrie E. said...

Yoga is a beautiful thing!! When my mother in law died, I was 25 and she was 52. She never got to see 4 of our 5 kids, so I try to take the time with those I love. I'm constantly reminding myself that it's OK if I don't get everything done. I need to start doing my yoga again daily. That does help a TON. Thanks for the reminder.

MrsMac19 said...

I totally agree with taking care of yourself! Keep it up! :-)

regencygirl01 said...

Still trying to find out where I belong and what it is I am supposed to do with my life.

Donna Shields said...

I have found mine. Like you, I was more worried about sales than the love I have for writing. And I have applied for the nursing program. Something I have always wanted to do since I was a little girl. I am going to look into Yoga.

Donna Shields said...

I have found mine. Like you, I was more worried about sales than the love I have for writing. And I have applied for the nursing program. Something I have always wanted to do since I was a little girl. I am going to look into Yoga.

The Many Faces of Romance said...

I am glad that things are coming together for you and you are feeling better. Always remember that you are bringing joy to your readers and that somewhere a woman is reading your book at 2am trying not to wake her hubby because she is laughing so hard. That would be me. But ultimately, stop and feel the joy for yourself because you have something you love to do.

Liz Flaherty said...

What a great post. I'm still learning how to allocate my time after retiring from the day job. I don't want to work as much, but I'm not sure how much is enough. I figure about the time I figure it out, it'll be time to retire from writing, too. However, it's all still fun. Walking is my yoga.

Best of luck and thank you for sharing this.

Mary Wehr said...

Awesome post, Lori and congrats on hitting the best sellers list. I used to look at writing as a pleasure, but it was suggested that the best way to sell books is to release one every 30-60 days. I'm not a fast writer. The joy to write kinda fizzled out for me. Summer time is when I enjoy the warm weather and the antics of the animals that are outside. Now all I do is think and worry about where my next story is coming from and if I can get it finished within the time limit. I love walking and taking care of the critters, but then I feel guilty. I feel I should be writing. Maybe I should do some yoga :)

Unknown said...

I am so glad that you were able to find some comfort and therapy from yoga. I wish I could, but my body is bent in so many different ways, not sure I could at this moment-maybe in the near future. You always have to remember that you have to take time for yourself or you are useless to those around you. (:

Margaret said...

I think where you have been, and made the change, purposely ....shows courage. I'm at the point in my life where I am to stream line my life And be healthy. My goal is to find peace as you have. Thanks for sharing this part of your life.

Michele Hayes said...

Lori, I'm glad you were able to get turned around and are enjoying life and writing again. I am retired so no hamster wheel for me, but I like to think I always had time for family. At least my kids are still talking to me. :)

Unknown said...

What a great post. Thank you so much for sharing. I'm glad that you have found yoga and that it is working for you. Take care of yourself first and the rest will come.

September 30, 2014 was the last day at my job because my position was eliminated. My work life of 29 years and 2 months was over. I was stressed out a lot while I was working. Overtime, meeting deadlines, and really not much of a family life. I'm not old enough to retire. At first, it was hard adjusting to being at home. I stopped watching TV and started spending my time reading - good thing.
I spend a lot of my time with my daughter and 4-year-old granddaughter and having a wonderful time! I wasn't able to do this when I was working. I'm looking for a job, but the job market ... well, let me just say it is what it is.

B J English said...

Glad you have found your inner success. Success comes when we can do what we love.

Bettyjo.English@gmail.com

B J English said...

Glad you have found your inner success. Success comes when we can do what we love.

Bettyjo.English@gmail.com

Lola Riggs said...

Lori, what a terrific story. I have never tried yoga. I think that's exactly what I need to do. Do I feel like a hamster on a wheel ? No. I do feel pain and lonliness. I have Rheumatoid arthritis and it's been a very hard struggle. I am not able to work due to pain. I am a LVN. I have kept my license up to date. I would love to get back into nursing. My husband gets frustrated because of the money But is generally supporting . I've also been through depression because of this. I am so glad you shared your story. Thank you.

Lola Riggs said...

Lori, what a terrific story. I have never tried yoga. I think that's exactly what I need to do. Do I feel like a hamster on a wheel ? No. I do feel pain and lonliness. I have Rheumatoid arthritis and it's been a very hard struggle. I am not able to work due to pain. I am a LVN. I have kept my license up to date. I would love to get back into nursing. My husband gets frustrated because of the money But is generally supporting . I've also been through depression because of this. I am so glad you shared your story. Thank you.

Ada said...

Good for you, Lori, for taking your life and making it your own again. Your successes are evident in the fantastic books you write. I'm personally in a good place, doing a job that I love. I stopped listening to people saying that it's not enough for me, that I should "want" more in life. It's something that makes me happy, takes my inner passions and lets me do it and frankly,knowing that I don't give a fig about anyone else is wonderful!

rayahmom3 said...

So glad that you found the right doctor for you. So many doctors would just have given you meds and called it a day. You got the right prescription for you and that is GREAT :)

theresa f

Jerilynn said...

So glad you found your center Lori. I'm trying to find mine again after getting hurt at work and losing my job of 18 years.

Jill Hannah Anderson said...

Wonderful post! As much as I want to be a published author (and I will be!) I also know I need balance in my life - all work and no play makes Jill a dull (worn-out-boring-sick-unhappy) girl! I'm so glad for you that you found a good balance before you drove yourself into an early grave. :)

Unknown said...

Great post Lori, wish I could find peace and not care how much I do or how people treat people. Agatha P.. Townsend

Unknown said...

Great post Lori, wish I could find peace and not care how much I do or how people treat people. Agatha P.. Townsend

Unknown said...

Lori I am so glad you found your balance again. Enjoy your success eith many blessings
Sandi

Anonymous said...

Thank you for sharing words of wisdom. Though I'm nowhere near your level of success, I have already felt empty and overwhelmed. Worse, every time I reach a goal (sell a book, get an agent) I've noticed I take no time to celebrate. It's just on to the next thing. I'm glad you found your balance. Now I'm off to find mine.

Katina Fragakis said...

Lori, you're always going to be on my Top 10 List, even if you never write another book. I have had many hours of pleasure from your books, and all I can say is Thank You for sharing yourself with your readers. Relax, breathe, sing, and dance. We're here, not going anywhere .

Unknown said...

You can only reach happiness and serenity within yourself. You found yours and I think that's why you are so successful. It comes out in Your writing. I love your Books. My relaxation It's reading. I escape in books and it's wonderful to lose myself in your books. Thank you.

Anita H. said...

Hi Lori! I'm so glad you've managed to find a balance in your life. I often find it's an uphill struggle to find enough hours in a day to get everything done, that I feel like I'm racing against the clock to make sure everyone is taken care of. Thank you for sharing your plight, I'll definitely be looking for ways to take a breather now and then so that I can take care of myself more.